1 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:07,960 You all right? What are you looking for? 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,960 Hand? Blow? Anal? Toe? 3 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,960 Hi, Mum. Oh, hello, love! 4 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:12,960 What are you doing here? 5 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,960 You changed the Wi-Fi password again. Oh, we did. 6 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:17,960 Oi! You're not getting paid to chat shit... 7 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,160 Hello, son! Oh, yep. 8 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:20,960 Tim, what did we change the Wi-Fi password to? 9 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,320 Wasn't it, "Get in the van, you slag"? 10 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:25,960 But the "you" is a letter U, all lower case. 11 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,960 Well, isn't this sort of undercover thing for, like, lower ranks? 12 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,000 You've got to keep your hand in, son. 13 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,960 He's always got his hand in. Gross. 14 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,960 Oi! 15 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,960 If you're here to spray a cock and balls on the sign, you can piss off. 16 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,960 Er, trainee! Early bird catches the worm. 17 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,320 Don't you call me a worm, or I'll put a hex on your vagina. 18 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,480 I wasn't. Is that even a thing? 19 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,800 As it happens, I'm in rather a good mood, 20 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:03,960 so I'm gonna let that one slide. 21 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,960 I, erm... I was at an all-night party. 22 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,960 I haven't actually been home. Oh, right. 23 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:11,800 Just nipping in for a quick refresh of the old pits and bits. 24 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,960 It's 40 winks on the crash mat and at my desk by nine, 25 00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,960 and I said "winks", before you start visualising 26 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,640 all sorts of nonsense, you weirdo. 27 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,960 Are you drunk? How dare you? 28 00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:26,160 I have inexpensive implants that render me somewhat lopsided. 29 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,960 Oh, no! Your shoe fell. Thank you. 30 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,480 Want a hand? 31 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:33,960 It's a throbbing bollock of a situation. 32 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,960 I can't make it any clearer than that. 33 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,160 Could you try? Jesus. 34 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,960 Surveillance think we have a prune in the nest. 35 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:41,960 It's not difficult, Bob. Intel from the CIC is limited. 36 00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,960 Sorry, CIC? Cocks In Charge. 37 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:47,960 No details. We just know that he or she is connected to an OCG. 38 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:48,960 Organised Crime Group. Yes. 39 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,960 And the NCA aren't happy. 40 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,960 It's the National Crime Agency. I know, wanker. 41 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,960 They suspect the plan is to get this fucker trained, 42 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,960 and then a year or two later, get them into an AC unit. 43 00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,480 Air Conditioning. What? 44 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,960 AC unit. Anti-Corruption. 45 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:02,960 It's also that, yes, 46 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,960 but I dare say he or she may at some point 47 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:09,960 have to squeeze themselves into a ventilation shaft or some such. 48 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,000 HE CLICKS TONGUE, BLOWS RASPBERRY 49 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,960 Yes. 50 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,960 Has anyone got a pen? Steph? Oh, Afia, have you got a pen? 51 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,960 SHE SCOFFS OK. Gotta bagsy my chair. 52 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,960 Oh, yeah. I'm, er, putting my name down for Cheese Club. 53 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,960 Cheese Club? Yeah, I love cheese. 54 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,960 It says Chess Club, Paul. Oh, shit. 55 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,960 I don't know how to play chess. 56 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,960 Hi, Geeta. Hotel India. 57 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,960 SHE GASPS Hotel India. 58 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,960 Bravo Uniform November? Bravo Uniform November! 59 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,960 Yankee Uniform Mike! Mike, Mike. 60 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:46,960 Let him go, Steph. Let him go. Paul? Hotel India? 61 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,960 You what? Hotel India. 62 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,960 Maybe. I mean, I've only ever been Spain before. 63 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,960 I'll think about it, yeah? 64 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:00,960 And how's the new battalion shaping up? Early days, Chief. 65 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,960 Like, primordial soup kind of early. Ooh, soup. 66 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,960 Yes, the danger with quotas to fill, I suppose. 67 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,160 You open the floodgates and get absolutely drenched in arseholes. 68 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,960 And we're not looking for arseholes. Quite the opposite. 69 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,960 What? Front holes? Ah, just the person! 70 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,960 If anyone can tell us about clamping down on arseholes, it's Melanie. Ah! 71 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,640 They taste a bit like chicken, apparently. Ooh, chicken. 72 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:20,960 Yes, well, ears to the ground, everyone. 73 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,960 But anything you need, I'm here for you. 74 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,960 I don't believe in leading from the rear, you know that. 75 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,960 I lead from the front, on the streets, in the trenches. 76 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,960 Wherever I'm needed, that's where I'll be... 77 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,960 PHONE PINGS AND VIBRATES Oh, excuse me. 78 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,960 Erm... Well, I've been sacked. Sacked? 79 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,480 You go to one leaving do as Stephen Hawking! 80 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:38,960 Well, that just doesn't make sense. 81 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,960 Stephen Hawking's an incredibly brainy astronaut. 82 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:42,960 HE SCREAMS 83 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,960 Bastards! Ooh! 84 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,960 Apologies. Mm. 85 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:52,960 Apologies. 86 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,960 Tren... Do we have trenches? 87 00:03:55,960 --> 00:04:00,480 Bob, a very large vacancy has just opened up. 88 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,960 Or maybe he meant truncheons. Cunningham gone, eh? 89 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,960 SHE CHUCKLES 90 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:08,320 Well, that's really put some lead in my nipples. Hm! 91 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:12,960 MUTTERING: Trenches... 92 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,960 THEY GIGGLE 93 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,800 I mean, why'd they put all the sexy ones in that group? 94 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,640 They didn't, it's just random. Doesn't look random to me. 95 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,960 Why's Steph in this group, then? Yes, exactly. Thank you, Paul. 96 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,960 Well, it's cos she's almost sexy, but not quite. 97 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,960 And you're sexy... over my dead body? 98 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,960 I heard, yeah, they're all having sex with each other already. 99 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,960 Are they? Why aren't we all having sex? 100 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,960 Maybe we just don't have them sexual vibes, you know. 101 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,960 Maybe we're the sexless ones. Or the married ones? 102 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:46,960 I'm sexy. Yeah. 103 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960 But you have to let other people say it, Dev, 104 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,960 cos you don't want to come across like Steph. 105 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,640 I never said I was sexy. Pretty much. 106 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,960 OK! I'm a massive, ugly goblin. 107 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,960 LEGGO AND DEV SIGH 108 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,960 Oh, now look what you've done. 109 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,960 That's my chair! 110 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,960 Did you bring it from home? It's MY chair. 111 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:16,960 I have to sit there. Is it a magic chair? 112 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,960 Like, do you use it to suck up police procedures 113 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,960 through your bum hole? 114 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,960 All right, settle. SHE CLEARS THROAT 115 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:24,960 What does that word make you think of? 116 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,800 Winnie The Pooh? 117 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:31,960 And that is an example of a trigger, a button pusher. 118 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,960 Whether you know it or not, you will have a button. 119 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,960 Might be your restricted height, er, your jug ears, 120 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,960 colour, gender, your tiny teeth. 121 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,960 You'll be screamed at, spat at, 122 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,960 pissed on, jizzed on, and puked over, 123 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,960 all for who you are and the uniform you so proudly wear. 124 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,480 Yeah, I get called too pretty a lot, which is quite annoying. 125 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:57,640 Oh, my family used to call me runty. My mother wanted to drown me. 126 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,960 So, get to know your buttons, people. Push them yourselves. 127 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,960 Poke them. Probe them, even! 128 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,000 Again and again and again, 129 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,960 until they are worn down to a nubbin. 130 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:15,320 Because if you let others push that button for you, all is lost. 131 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:18,480 You will be tempted to overreact, trust me. 132 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:23,960 You will really, really, really, really want to kill. 133 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,960 You OK, Paul? Yeah, sorry. 134 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,960 I didn't hear anything after "nubbin". 135 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,960 I've had all sorts thrown at me. I like the pink, round coconut ones. 136 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,960 All sorts of insults. 137 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,960 Many of which have been both very hurtful and very accurate. 138 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:38,960 "Massive bitch" was fair, certainly. 139 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:42,960 But I did draw the line recently at "withered hag", 140 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,640 especially as I'd been declared barren that very morning. 141 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,960 Did you just write down "withered hag"? 142 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,960 You don't have to write down every single thing I say. 143 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,960 Stop writing. 144 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,640 Put the titting pen down and listen. 145 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,960 Put... 146 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:03,960 down... 147 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,320 ...the... 148 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:08,960 ...pen! 149 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:09,960 No! 150 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:13,000 Wait, isn't it baroness rather than baron for a lady? 151 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,960 I was declared barren. Infertile. 152 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,800 Ah, gotcha. Condolences. 153 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,960 I'm not dead. Right, that is it! 154 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,960 Nobody is to lend this student any form of writing apparatus 155 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:27,800 for the rest of the day. 156 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:28,960 Is that clear? 157 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,960 ALL: Yes. STEPH: Yes, Ma'am. 158 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,960 OK. 159 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,960 Go and take a piss break if you must. 160 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,480 And by that, I am referring to the canteen coffee, obviously. 161 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:38,960 SHE CHUCKLES 162 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,960 AFIA SIGHS 163 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,960 IDLE CHATTER 164 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:51,960 Room for a petite one? Ah, look, it's staff only, yeah? 165 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,960 Hello. Are you a bit lost, are you, love? 166 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,960 Love? Student Officer Jackson, you mean? 167 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,960 Student officer (!) Shmudent shmofficer. 168 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,000 Look, Steph. The staff, we sit together. 169 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,960 The students also sit together, but at different tables, yeah? 170 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,960 So, sort of like an apartheid system? Yes. 171 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,480 No, Daz, not like an apartheid system at all. 172 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:10,960 Well, a little bit. 173 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,960 How come he gets to call you Steph, then? Oh, I'm so sorry. 174 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,960 Erm... We're a thing. We're not. We're not a thing. 175 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,960 Well, how would you describe it? As not a thing. 176 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,160 Hang on. You two have done it. 177 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,640 Well, that's an understatement, because, yes, we have. 178 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,960 You got your bird to join up? No. 179 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:26,960 Yeah, pretty much. 180 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,960 He did the big, hard sell on the police, the little scamp. 181 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,960 IMITATING: Little scamp. HE LAUGHS 182 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,800 Fuck me. Fair play, mate. You got it on tap now, 24-7. 183 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,960 Any time you need a slippery one, wham, bam, nice one. 184 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,960 Oh, Jesus, Daz, there's ladies present, yeah? Yes-ah! 185 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,960 Although he's got a point. Bye. Bye, Mike. 186 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,960 Hi, Steph. 187 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,960 Yeah, just some chips, please. Chips, eh? 188 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960 Don't get much call for special orders. 189 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,480 You want that sort of thing, you have to come round to the back. 190 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,960 Karen, you take over. 191 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,960 I mean, I don't... I don't have to have chips. 192 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,640 It's me, you fool! Aunty Nooch. 193 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,960 Aunty Nooch? Oh, I didn't recognise you with the tabard. 194 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,960 I haven't seen you in ages. How have you been? 195 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,960 It's great you got a job. I mean, you've only been out a month... 196 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,960 Oh, right. Yeah. 197 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,320 Cousins thought if they were gonna have someone on the inside, 198 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,960 they should have someone else on the inside 199 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,960 to keep an eye on the first person on the inside. 200 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:22,960 But all they said to me was, 201 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,960 "Get bedded in, instructions would follow." 202 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,160 First of all, there ain't no beds. 203 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,960 Second of all, I can't find any instructions. 204 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,960 This is your instructions. You've got to get a flash drive. 205 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:37,960 Oh. All right, well, I think Ryman's does them, so... Wait! 206 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,160 It's in Superintendent Spry's office. Oh. 207 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:43,160 With a green luggage label. Big Cheese needs it. 208 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,960 Big cheese? Oh, I didn't know cheese would be involved. 209 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:46,960 That's brilliant. 210 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,960 How d'you think you got through the vetting? 211 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,960 I don't know... what vetting is. 212 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,960 Christ. Just go and find it. 213 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,960 I heard what you said... 214 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,960 ...about chips... back here. 215 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,960 Oh. 216 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:03,960 Chips. 217 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,960 Yeah. Yeah, chips. 218 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,640 Yeah, chips. 219 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:09,960 KNOCK ON DOOR Mmm. 220 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:10,960 Here we are, Sir. 221 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,960 Timetable and notes for this morning's session, 222 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:13,960 freshly highlighted by me. 223 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,960 Ah, de-escalation. AS A ROBOT: De-escalate. 224 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,160 De-escalate. 225 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,320 Oh, it's very, very sad, isn't it, about the, erm, 226 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,960 about the Chief Super? 227 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,960 But I do wonder what that might mean for you, Sir. 228 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,480 Ah, yes. It means I should probably send a card. 229 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,960 "Sorry you got the sack." Sir, 230 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,320 hypothetically, if someone were to do all the work 231 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,320 so you didn't have to worry and entered you for... 232 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:37,960 Entered me? 233 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:41,960 ...for, say, Britain's Got Talent, you would do it, wouldn't you? 234 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,480 Britain's Got Talent? 235 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:44,960 HE STUTTERS What? We're doing what? 236 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,960 Oh, I don't know. You're very, very, very skilled. 237 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,800 HE STUTTERS Britain's Got Talent. 238 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:50,960 I could see that happening, 239 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:54,000 in which case, I would graciously accept. 240 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:57,480 And... Oh, no, look, the three dots has come up again. 241 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,960 Oh, let me get that for you, Sir Bob. 242 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:00,960 HE GROANS 243 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:07,960 Ah, yeah, yeah, it's gone. It's gone. Mmm. 244 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:25,960 Paul, Paul! Can I have my pen back? 245 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,960 Pen? What did it look like? Pen-like. 246 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,320 The one I gave you this morning at the notice board. 247 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:33,000 Oh, well, the superintendent said we wasn't to give you a pen. 248 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,960 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She said no-one was allowed to lend me a pen. 249 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:40,160 And you're not. You're giving me back a pen I'd already lent to you. 250 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:41,960 Well, I think I lent it to Spencer. 251 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,960 Sorry (?) You lent a pen you borrowed to someone else? 252 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,960 Well, no, I... I gave it to him, really. 253 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,160 Wasn't planning on asking for it back. 254 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,960 Oh, my God, which one's Spencer? Thor. 255 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:55,160 Thor? Looks a bit like Thor, son of Odin. 256 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,960 He's part of the sexy group. 257 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,960 You know how some people are so good-looking, 258 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,960 you sort of feel bad asking them to give you a pen back. 259 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,800 No. No, I don't. Hang on, wait a minute. 260 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,960 I think Spencer gave it to Steph, 261 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,960 probably when she was asking him if she could join the sexy group. 262 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,960 Steph. Right. All right, in a bit. 263 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:23,960 BOB EXHALES 264 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,960 Ah, Bob. Mm? 265 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,480 I am throwing my hat into the ring. 266 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,960 What, your actual hat or your "metabolical" hat? 267 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,480 Am I wearing a hat? 268 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,160 No, but you... you could have one in your bag. 269 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,800 Am I carrying a bag? No, but you... 270 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,800 you could have a bag with a hat in it in your locker. 271 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,960 I don't. Well, keep it under your imaginary hat. 272 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:42,960 Could be nothing. 273 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:47,960 I think I might be appearing in Britain's Got Talent. 274 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,960 WHISPERS: Fuck's sake. 275 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:54,960 Ah, Melanie! I would like to be a contender. 276 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:55,960 Well, you won't win. I will win. 277 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,960 Win what? What are you talking about? 278 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,960 What are you talking about? Cunningham's position. 279 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,960 CV. Application form. Right, right, right. 280 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,960 Can it wait until I've done the same for Bob Superintendent Weekes? 281 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,960 Another worthy applicant. Oh, you're shitting me. 282 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:10,960 Bob The Bellend? 283 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,960 He's never shown the slightest interest 284 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,960 in any big job before, for fuck's sake. 285 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,320 He wouldn't be doing this just to get on my tits, would he? 286 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,960 Has he any interest in your tits, Ma'am? 287 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,160 Well, I wouldn't have thought so, no. 288 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:24,960 Well, that's a huge relief... SHE WHISPERS: ..for some of us. 289 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,960 What is that hippy shit? That's my twat catcher. 290 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,960 Your twat catcher? 291 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,960 If the little feathers flutter or the little bells tinkle, 292 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,960 it means there's a wrong 'un nearby. 293 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,960 Well, we catch twats with modern detective methodology, 294 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:40,320 Melanie, not with new age mumbo jumbo. 295 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,960 It's my gut instinct in feather and willow hoop form. 296 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,960 It's cultural appropriation. Grow up. 297 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,960 BELLS CHIME 298 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:48,960 It works! 299 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:05,960 Well, I tried. 300 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,960 HE SIGHS 301 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,960 Er... 302 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,960 Are you wanking? What? No. 303 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,320 Then what are you doing, then? 304 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,960 HE STUTTERS Well, yeah, no, I was wanking. 305 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,960 You can't just go around rubbing your cock 306 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,960 and blasting one off on police property. 307 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,960 What, are you trying to fuck that filing cabinet or what, 308 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:43,960 you weird fuck? 309 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,960 I've just been really stressed at work and all that. 310 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,480 Oh, yeah, that old story! 311 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:48,960 I've just been really stressed, 312 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,320 and I had to find a filing cabinet and jizz everywhere. 313 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,960 Get out! Yes, Sir. 314 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:56,960 Ah! I'm sorry. 315 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,960 Yeah, urgh! HE BLOWS RASPBERRY 316 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,960 HE SNORTS Bloody perv. 317 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,960 Steph. Pen? My pen? 318 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:19,960 Right, here's a lovely long word for you. De-escalation. 319 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,960 How might we go about that? Huggins, any ideas? 320 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,960 De-escalation. Could use a tablet. 321 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,960 Beg your pardon? Or, like, a sachet? 322 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,960 Because we've got, like, a coffee machine and there's... 323 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,480 there's a sachet, and you put the sachet... 324 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,320 No, no, what you've got there is descaling. Oh. 325 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:37,960 It's not quite the same thing. 326 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,960 There's not much call for descaling in everyday police work. No. 327 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:45,800 Can anybody help Huggins there with a definition of de-escalation? 328 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:46,960 Erm, is it when you use... 329 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,960 IN A CARIBBEAN ACCENT: ...the escalators? 330 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,640 Racist. What? It's just an accent. 331 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,960 Mocking a historically oppressed race. 332 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,960 Which wasn't what I was doing. Doesn't matter. 333 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:55,960 It's how it's perceived that counts. 334 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,960 Well, he said "de-escalation" first. You wrote it on a board! 335 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,960 I didn't mean it racistly. Well, welcome to my world. 336 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,960 Try telling her that. Do you want to get thrown out? 337 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,960 Erm... yes. Yeah. 338 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,960 Well, nice try. HE CHUCKLES 339 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,480 Come on, everyone. 340 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,000 Look at this. What's this word here? Triggers. 341 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:17,960 Can somebody say something that they think might trigger me? 342 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,480 Anything you like. I've been in the force 38 years. 343 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,640 Anything you like. Give it both barrels. 344 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,960 Come on, try and upset me. You've underachieved. 345 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,960 Not, not that. Why not that? 346 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,800 Cos I say so. No, but it's true, though. 347 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,160 Tell me I'm fat. You're a fat underachiever. 348 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,960 No, just the fat. You don't get to pick 349 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,960 which insults you get on the street, do you? 350 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,960 No, cos on the street, people aren't gonna know... 351 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,960 THINK that I have underachieved, because I haven't, 352 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,960 so that's quite... IMITATING PHONE: Brrp-brrp. 353 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,960 So sorry, it's a text now. What's... It's not, that's an orange. 354 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,960 Oh, so much, so, so many... 355 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,960 Oh, I knew it. I've got to be somewhere pretty urgently, 356 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:53,800 so hard being important and in charge of things and... 357 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,960 Come, get your skates on, will you, Bob? Oh, gosh. 358 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,960 Right, now... 359 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,960 That was a good lesson. Yeah. 360 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,960 Steph, can I have my pen back? 361 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,000 What pen? 362 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,960 She's got my pen, my favourite pen, and she won't give it back! 363 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:12,960 Who has a favourite pen? What are you, eight? 364 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,960 So, why won't you give her her pen back? 365 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,960 Did you lick it? Or put it somewhere gross? 366 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,000 No, I haven't got her stupid pen. She borrowed it from Thor, 367 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,960 who got it from Paul, who borrowed it from me. 368 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:22,960 But she says she hasn't got it. 369 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,960 Why are you believing her? I don't know. 370 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,960 She just looks more honest than you. SHE SCOFFS 371 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,960 It's not a race thing. I-I just fancy her more. 372 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,640 How can you fancy a pen thief? Pen thief? 373 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,960 Yeah, what is the mark-up on them bad boys? Is it, like, 30%? 374 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,160 And do you cut it and shut it or do you, like, strip it for parts? 375 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:39,320 Not about the pen. It IS about the pen, because with no pen, 376 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,960 I have no notes, and with no notes, I won't know everything. 377 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,960 And if I don't know everything, 378 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,960 I won't get to be policewoman of the year, 379 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,960 and if I don't get to be policewoman of the year, 380 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:48,960 my dad will treat me like a girl 381 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:52,000 and won't let me borrow the big car like my brothers! 382 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,960 STEPH AND LEGGO: Wow. GEETA: Told you. 383 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,480 OK, what you need right now is a pen. 384 00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:02,960 Here, have my pen. It's made of dreams. 385 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,480 SHE SCREAMS 386 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,960 HE GRUNTS 387 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,960 I heard a crunch. 388 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,960 Melanie, I think I've had a brilliant idea. 389 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,800 That doesn't surprise me, Sir. 390 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:19,960 You are an extraordinary human being. 391 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:23,000 Here goes. I am going to apply for Cunningham's job. 392 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,960 Oh! Well, my word, that is clever. 393 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,960 Well, I'm not one to underachieve, as you know, 394 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,640 so I may have to put Britain's Got Talent on hold 395 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:32,960 and enter the fray. 396 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,960 Obviously, I realise that Superintendent Spry 397 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,000 has also applied, but, er... we are very much equals, 398 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,640 so, it should be a good scrap. 399 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,960 Mm, and don't forget you'd have me on your side, Sir. 400 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,160 Good to have you in my corner. 401 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,960 What, actually? No, as in the boxing, you know. 402 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,960 You will be my second. Was there a first? 403 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,320 Yes, there was. Jennifer Hepburn. 404 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,160 I was 17, and she smelt of wet cardboard. 405 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,960 No, they'll throw her out for this, 100%. 406 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,960 No! Leggo, please? 407 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,960 PAUL: What's going on? This one bit this one. 408 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,640 Fucking hell, where? Over there, by the lockers. 409 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:09,960 No, which bit of him did she bite? 410 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,480 My fucking fanny finger. Oh, no, that's gross. 411 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:13,960 I'm actually on Afia's side now. 412 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,960 Anyone who has a fanny finger deserves to have it bitten off. 413 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,960 Right, Steph, you can have the pen. Keep it, it's OK. 414 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,960 Just PLEASE don't tell anyone. 415 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,960 I don't have your bloody pen. Don't start that again. 416 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:24,960 He's gonna snitch on me. You bit me. 417 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,320 Oh, don't be such a baby. 418 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,800 My kids bite each other all the time. There's no... 419 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,960 Oh. OK, yeah, you need to get that looked at. Not by you. 420 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:34,960 A shark with tiny teeth has savaged my second most important appendage. 421 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:39,960 And now Afia's bitten it as well. Oh, he's had no luck, has he? 422 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,960 THEY GRUNT Oi, you know what I like? Right? 423 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,960 Yeah? And that's in films, yeah? 424 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,960 Yeah. Where you think a guy has run out of bullets, but... 425 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,480 I'll tell you what Mike likes. OK, boundaries, yeah? 426 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:53,960 Trainer's area. Sorry, I just, erm... 427 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:57,960 I just need to talk to Mike about something, er, personal. 428 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,160 What is wrong with you? Have you got the mental health? 429 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,640 Above his bed, 430 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,960 he's got a picture of himself in just a thong and aviator shades. 431 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,960 I bet he has. OK. So... 432 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,960 What, what are you doing? Oh, sorry, am I oversharing? 433 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,960 Can you just stop it? Stop it. Stop... your mouth. 434 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,960 Well, can you just admit that we're a thing? 435 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,960 OK. OK. 436 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,320 We're a thing. No, no, no. So the caveman can hear. 437 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:19,960 All right, we're a thing. 438 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,960 Oh, my God, Mike, stop going on about it. 439 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,960 It's embarrassing. Wow. 440 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,960 You know, she reminds me of my dad's ferret, Tina. 441 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,640 Once she bit, she never let go. 442 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:30,960 We had to have her put down 443 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,960 while she was biting my dad's inner thigh. 444 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:33,960 Yeah, that's Steph. 445 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,640 Shame all the fit ones have the mental health. 446 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,960 HE GRUNTS 447 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,960 IDLE CHATTER 448 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:41,960 Fantastic. Pint for you, mate. 449 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,000 Oh-ho, legend! So, did they ask you what happened? 450 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,960 Well, yeah. 451 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,960 Now, obviously, I could have said it was a sex injury. 452 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,800 Who bites during sex? Not you, clearly. 453 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,960 What do you mean by that? Oh, watch out. It's Hannibal Lecter. 454 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,480 Hide your fingers. LEGGO CHUCKLES 455 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,960 Obviously, I'm really sorry and all that, but did you...? 456 00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:00,960 Tell them about you? I did. And... 457 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,160 Really? Yeah. 458 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,960 It turns out I slipped and fell into a yawning Alsatian in the dog unit. 459 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,960 I don't believe it. Well, it's not true, is it? 460 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:08,960 You bit me. 461 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,960 No, I don't believe you did something nice. No offence. 462 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,960 Hi. Good news about your pen. 463 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:14,960 So, I spoke to Spencer, 464 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,960 and he said he gave it to Steve, not Steph. 465 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,960 See, I thought he said Steph. So, yeah. That's Steph off the hook. 466 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,960 And, hey, at least I can get my pen back. 467 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,960 Nah, Steve's went and flushed it down the toilet, the mug. 468 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,960 He was trying to unblock a monster. 469 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,960 Great news, Paul. Yeah, no worries, mate. 470 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:30,960 Oi, Steph, turns out you didn't take that pen after all. 471 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,160 Thank you for letting me know, Paul. Yeah, you're welcome. 472 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,000 For someone who doesn't want to be in the police, 473 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,960 covering up for your colleague seems very cop-like. 474 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,960 Yeah, must have cop juice in your blood. 475 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,960 You can be different from your family, you know. Yes! 476 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,160 Yes, you can! 477 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,960 VOICE BREAKING: You fucking can. AFIA: Mm. 478 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:51,000 You can. Anyone fancy going down to the gym? 479 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,960 Oh, sorry, Dev, mate, I've got Cheese Club. 480 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,320 Oh, wait. No, I haven't, have I? 481 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,640 No. Oh, I was looking forward to that. 482 00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:58,960 Oh. Mm. 483 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,960 You wearing slippers? 484 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,960 Yes, Melanie encourages me to look after my arches, the kind girl. 485 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,960 Oh, I think you should know that I've applied for the top dog job. 486 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,960 You do know what Cunningham's job requires, right? 487 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:14,960 A lot of things, I imagine. 488 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,960 Being in charge, NOT dressing up as Stephen Hawking. 489 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,960 It... It's a position that calls for intelligence, leadership, 490 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,960 hard work and... intelligence. 491 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,960 Yes, I should coco. 492 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,960 Not a job for a terminally ineffectual yes-man. 493 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,320 Yes, well, if you say so. 494 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:30,000 Somebody who lacks even the basic knowledge 495 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,960 of the world around them. 496 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,960 Hang on. You're talking about me, aren't you? 497 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,640 Stay in your lane, Bob! 498 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,960 You don't stand a tiddler's chance of getting a job like this. 499 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:42,160 We shall see, and may the best superintendent win. Ha-ha! 500 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,960 That's a cupboard. I know! 501 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,960 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com 502 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:10,960 I know.